It’s Been Three Years

Today would’ve been my Gramms 87th birthday.

We baked a cake.

Every year since her passing, on her birthday, we bake our favorite cake that she made. And every year, I still cannot believe she is gone.

Gramms and Jake

I miss her so much.

Her passing was not expected. It was all too sudden. She was healthy and well and, on occasion, still kicking a soccer ball around the backyard with my oldest son.

They had a very close relationship. I loved how my Gramms and my son, her great-grand son, had such a special bond.

They truly were two peas in a pod.

I loved seeing them laugh together. And I’m sad she never got to meet the next three kiddos that came into our family. I know she would’ve loved them too.

Today we remember my Gramms and keep her memory alive through laughter, remembering the good times.

I love you Gramms. And I miss you more than ever.

Joy In Chaos {the little moments}

I find myself going slower, trying to savor things.

It’s easy to get caught up in the every day to day tasks of feeding, changing, nap, go get big kids from school…repeat.

By the time it’s the 4pm feeding for the babies, I’m realizing the day has slipped away and before bed time sneaks up on us, homework, therapy, taekwondo, dinner (what am I going to make?!) all has to happen.

It’s so easy to get caught in the rush of parenting and completely miss the moments. Those joy filed chaotic moments that all too soon will pass. So, I’m intentionally trying to take things slower. Savor them. Cherish them. Yes, there are days bed time can’t get here fast enough. But, in all of the mess, I want to see the joy. The joy in NOT getting to dust because one of my littles has fallen asleep in my arms. Not to feel the frustration as the dust stares back at me, but to know that, no matter how much I dust, it will come back. But these babies? These big kids? They will only be this age once.

Parenting is tough. But I want to savor this season because it will too soon move on and the next season come.

A Lesson Learned {valentines day recap}

I have to admit, I’ve never been super fond of Valentines Day. Not that it isn’t fun to go out with your valentine and spend some time together, alone.

{PS, we didn’t get to do that this year. We normally avoid restaurants on such days like the plague and opt for an alternate day or do something off the beaten path. Like wine and brie together just talking after the little’s are in bed…}

And yes, all the fun little handwritten valentines and cute little candy sayings are fun, but I just think it’s gotten a bit overwhelming.

Maybe it’s just me. I don’t know. But all the pin-worthy decorations and bags-o-candy valentines just seem over the top to me.

Am I alone is this thinking? Maybe so.

What I do know, is that this year I overlooked something very important. Something that slipped through as I was being the mommy of the grade-schoolers, making sure they had their decorated boxes {seriously, what happened to simple bags with pretty stickers?}and fun valentines {that we worked hard to keep simple this year}, I didn’t do my usual making it special for them at home stuff.

Nothing major. Yes, I like a pretty decorated mantle with something representing the holiday, and I will make fun heart-shaped pancakes and use our special “I love you” plates I thrifted a few years back. Simple things that don’t take huge effort, but that the kids love. Last year I even decided to take little paper hearts and write notes on them for the first 14 days leading up to Valentines with simple little notes of things we love about them. Things like “I love how you get lost in a book”, or “I love how contagious your laughter is”. We placed them on their bedroom doors each nigh t before heading to bed, so each morning their was a new little “what I love about you note” waiting for them.

They ate.it.up.

And it was a simple thing my husband and I could do together for the kids. We pre-wrote them out so as not to scramble that morning if we {gasp} forgot!

And the heart-shaped pancakes? We had breakfast for dinner earlier in the week that I made up extra batter for and then after dinner, made up the rest into heart shapes and froze them so they were quick and easy the morning of….since it was a school day.

However, I didn’t do any of that this year. I meant to. I wanted to, but I was so busy mothering and twinning and helping get their stuff ready for school for valentines day {there were due dates people}, that I just didn’t get to doing it. Now, I did plan a yummy French toast breakfast and served it on the special “I love you” plates. They liked that, but my oldest mentioned how he really missed the hearts on the doors and “stuff like that”.

My heart sank a little. I realized I’d missed something that I really didn’t know meant so much.

I knew he liked it, but had no idea just how much. He said he think it’d be fun if we all gave each other valentines like we do our “hope notes” at Christmas. {more on that another time}

I made a promise to him and to myself. It’s too late for it this valentines, but in keeping things simple and being more intentional, next year I will make sure that our family valentines come first. I’m not completely sure what we will do, but something uncomplicated, fun and flexible that can be maintained easily each year as our family grows and changes in the years to come.

How do you do valentines day?

Sometimes {feeling like you’re not enough}

Sometimes there are days where you feel like you just can’t accomplish anything.

At all.

It’s like you’re on a hamster wheel and going no where fast. You feel like you are trying your best and it’s still not good enough. And you’re just trying to get through the day and hoping that no one asked the dreaded “how are you?” because you might just fall into a heap of tears because you SO don’t have it all together…and if that unsuspecting person asks, you really hope they mean it….

Then, there are days where you feel you are finally getting the hang of this new family of 6/twin mama thing and you feel like “hey, I CAN do this!”….

Then someone says something like “oh, you think it’s SO hard. It’s not as difficult as ______”.

And you feel like, seriously, you should totally have your crap together. You start comparing yourself to this or that or them and it becomes a domino effect.

It’s almost like those moments where you’re being a twin mom and it’s been a more challenging day than most, and a mom of a singleton complains about such and such and you want to just say “ha! you have ONE…I’m caring for two little demanding ones PLUS a special needs kid AND a grumpy 10 year old today and your complaining about only getting 6 hours of SLEEP?!”…

But you stop yourself. Because you think about how it WAS difficult when it was just one and you were that singleton mama trying to figure it out. It truly was difficult because that’s all you knew and you were just doing your best to get through the early weeks recovering from a c-section while your husband started classes for his masters degree and you were home alone with a tiny little being that was completely dependent on you.

Or you think about when your special needs kiddo is having epic meltdowns and you don’t want to leave the house because dealing with others staring and quiet murmurs is more difficult than the epic meltdowns and you’d rather deal with that at home. Alone. Than deal with people {who may not have special needs understanding} criticizing your parenting or telling you how they would handle things.

Life can be complicated.

Sometimes I wish people would just stop and THINK before they speak. Stop comparing and saying things like “well, AT LEAST it’s not blah blah, or such and such”. Sometimes it would be nice if when you complain about it being a difficult day {whether singleton, multiples, special needs, etc.} people could just reach out a hand and help pick you back up, or say “I’m sorry its been a rough day/week/month…can I bring you a coffee {or dinner or arrange a girls night out…}”.

Why must people compare or challenge? Just be nice! Realize not everyone is meant to be like YOU. That maybe their personality and disposition isn’t meant to be a certain way. Some people can go-go-go all.the.time. Some people cannot and they need some down time. Sometimes it’s been a busy week and the last thing a person wants to do is “talk”. Sometimes they just want to lay still and be quiet because talking….talking/noise/whining is the LAST thing they want to think about or hear.

Sometimes, if you’ve asked someone many times to get together and they usually say “I can’t”, respect that there IS a reason. Instead maybe offer to just be there or ask if they are OK?

And when you see that mama that might be having a difficult day, just trying to make it through the parking lot, grocery, church service, with a brave face hoping “oh my word, please don’t ask me ‘how I am’, because I might fall apart in tears because I SO don’t have it all together”…don’t ask…unless you mean it. And don’t try to fix it or tell them how much easier they have it then so and so….they don’t want to hear it.

Every persons story is different and that’s OK. Offer compassion, validation and an encouraging word.

Be nice.

I Did It {that was kinda scary…}

I did it. I took the leap….and have landed here.

I used to blog HERE.

I just pulled the plug, closed my eyes and jumped.

It was kinda scary. And it was also awesome all at the same time.

I don’t fully know what to expect or where this little blog will lead, but what I do know is I am free to just write. And I will…about lots of different things. Writing is therapy for me. You see, typically, I’m a ridiculous over thinker. But when I write? I let that go and just try NOT to think so much, but just type out my emotions and passions about life, family, adoption…being a new mama of twins, and all that lands in between.

I hope you will join me every once in a while, stay and visit a moment or two. Leave a comment if you wish so I can come visit you too.

{you can learn more than you’d probably ever wish to about me over on my ABOUT page}