Songbird

It’s been five years.

On this day, five years ago, my heart shattered into a million pieces.

I’d just finished up my workout with a friend, she hugged me as we said our goodbyes, and was so excited for me and the plane ride I was about to take in just a few days. I was giddy with excitement too….the wait had been a long one.

The plane ride I was about to take with my husband and my son was heading to Russia to finally bring home our daughter.

Songbird

I exited the building and crossed the parking lot to my car. And standing at my car was my husband….

{a little back story: we had one car at the time and I had it that day. He was supposed to be at work, where I’d dropped him off earlier that morning….}

This is the part that, when I dwell too long, I can’t hold back the tears. Throughout the past five years, it’s gotten easier to talk about without crying. As long as I don’t think about it too much….but remembering this part? I cry. Hard. SO…I will continue to type through my tears at this part, so bare with me.

I remember just stopping dead in my tracks when I saw him…trying to process that he was there. HOW he was there and WHY he was there? I knew by the look on his face something was wrong. My heart sank as the words came out of his mouth. The words “Songbird is no longer available”. There were other words, but those are the only ones I heard loud and clear.

Everything just stopped. I fell to my knees and began sobbing.

I felt sick. And confused. And my heart utterly in shambles.

My husband had reached out his arm to me as I fell down….and he gently pulled me back up to standing and helped me into the car. I felt like I couldn’t breathe.

We had lost our daughter. We had lost our Songbird.

Not a day that goes by, since that day five years ago, I don’t think about her. Even with 3 additions to our family, one through adoption, I will never forget her.

For some reason this year? Coming to mark 5 years since we lost her, I’ve been apprehensive about it. I dread it every year, to be honest, but this year seems different. I’m not really sure what or why, but the sadness has overwhelmed me many times, as the day has come closer and closer on the calendar.

I have struggled greatly over the past 5 years with the questioning of WHY. Why it happened the way it did, why it was let to happen, and how could it have been different.

I’m not really sure I will ever truly have an answer I’m okay with or that will bring complete peace to my heart.

I lost a child. Not in the typical sense like through death, but lost none the less. I will never see her again, and I will never have closure. I never got to say goodbye. I never got to hold her one last time.

Part of my heart will forever be in Russia.